Nearly a year has flown by!

How does it happen?  When did I have the time to have a year almost pass before my eyes?  As you can tell, I'm a little confused.  It has been a trying year full of exhilaration, fear, sadness, great joy and any emotion you could possibly think of, TIMES THREE! 

Sadly, I must admit there has been very little time dedicated to music.  I miss it and at the same time wonder if I'll ever really get into it again.  I desperately want and need to continue my musical journey and am doing my very best to bring it back into the front of my life without taking away from my husband and son. The guilt and trepidation is palpable but the passion undeniable.  The push and pull of it all is exhausting!

The real differences are time and energy. 

The first, "time" is self explanatory.  There just aren't hours enough in the day to take care of a marriage, a baby, a household and an awesome music career.  How can I create, record, perform, teach etc in an hour a day?  It's definitely a conundrum. I'm left wondering if I have done anything musically that will be remembered in the time to come or if it's all been lost in the shuffle.  I guess I'll have to find the time to create more so I don't end up feeling cheated.

The second, "energy".  To even write the word conjures up visions of riding my bike 8 miles and feeling great, then writing, recording and practicing for 5 hours at a time and then relaxing with the hubby until bedtime at midnight.  I know at some point I could do those things without batting an eye.  Now however, by 8PM after child care and domesticity, I can barely keep my eyes open. 

Music isn't completely lost in the shuffle!  Miraculously, I started taking piano lessons to broaden my musical horizons and get me motivated.  My next goal is to add in an hour of guitar and singing practice.  WOW! Two hours of music a day!  My husband has also graciously offered to relinquish his garage to create me a new and improved music room separate from the house yet close enough to not be away from Coby.  I am thrilled at the prospect of having a large space dedicated to music but am terrified that I won't be able to produce enough out of it to make it worth while.  I have always wanted my music to be a business and more than just my guilty pleasure and this new renovation may be the key to reaching my new music goals.

We will see how it all pans out...

Bitter Sweet Completion

I set out to create an album of lullabies not only for my unborn first child but to prove to myself that this next step in my life will not rob me of a very important part of myself.  After a little over 3 months of creation and relentless work, it is COMPLETE.  It is a collection of 12 original and classic lullabies.

It has only been heard by 3 people thus far.  Myself, my husband and the mastering engineer.  Whether it will be well received has yet to be seen.  This weekend will be the first time it will be showcased to an audience.  I will be giving out copies to all my friends who are coming to celebrate my unborn child at a baby shower.  However, it will not be available for sale until later this fall when the permanent packaging is complete with a portrait of my son.

I am thrilled to have completed this album, especially since I have taken it on at a time when my life is truly in transition.  I have proved to myself that I can continue on my musical journey in the midst of so much turmoil and change.

However, there is a part of me that will miss the life I've lived thus far.  I know it must change as lives always do.  I'll miss the freedom to stay in my studio hour after hour writing and recording, the times of just my husband and I on the couch, my times of solo contemplation, etc.  There will be many new wondrous and challenging experiences to be had in the coming weeks, months and years.   I find it a struggle to accept that I will not be the same as I was before.  Not to myself and not to others.  I know it's silly but it seems a little like the end of an era.  

What will be different?  I don't even know what to mourn and what to embrace.  I guess I'm just a little afraid of the unknown.  I know the things that are truly important will remain and the trivial things will pass away.  That's what this project proved to me. 

Transitions will come and go and life will go on.  It always does...

Redirected and Recommited!

My last blog was a frustrated piece of reading material.  I had created my own drama by not taking action towards a well defined goal.  I was completely engulfed in self-loathing and self-pity.  I will admit I have a very good excuse for having less energy and time to spend on my personal music goals, however, an excuse is an excuse if it keeps you from making ANY progress what-so-ever.

As of March 31st, the date of my last entry, I have created a well defined project and worked towards it in a consistent manner.   

The month of April was spent contemplating my project and writing/organizing the material to be included in it (as well as taking a well deserved Baby Moon to Kauai with my wonderful husband).  It was a relief to immerse myself in the creative process of writing and it helped me to become excited of the prospect of completion.  Completion being the thing that often eludes me during my musical endeavors. 

As of May 10th I am now heavily engulfed in the recording process.  I have also written a very precise timeline for the project completion and am doing my best to stick to it.  I have managed to reach a point that is almost non-existent while I am recording. I actually am enjoying myself immensely! 

That being said, I am also very aware of my limitations and recognize the need for some flexibility.  My hope is to be satisfied with what I can do and forgiving of myself when I don't meet all of my many expectations.  

How have I come to this possibly temporary euphoria with the musical creation process? 

I have embraced an idea that almost never enters my head when working on a project.  It may be shocking...It may be scary in a sense.  But here goes:

SIMPLICITY!

In all aspects of this project.  From lyrics and guitar to mastering and CD duplication I am insisting on clinging to the priceless saying, "KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID!"

Tirelessly Tired...

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to feel tired like this during pregnancy.  I don't sleep all the time and I tend to be somewhat productive but not by doing the things that I really want to do.  It seems like the entire month of March was one of rushing from one place to another and hurrying through endless projects that had nothing to do with my goals as a musician.  April seems to be building itself the same way.

UGG!!!

 I promised myself that my music would not "fall by the wayside" just because I enter the realm of motherhood.  I know that my direction and focus will have to change but my obligation to myself must not. There hasn't been one second this week that I have even picked up my guitar let alone write, record or even practice. I have invested far too much money, time, effort and love into building whatever it is I have here to just treat it as a hobby. 

Do I sound frustrated and bitter?  I AM...

I'm not angry with anyone but myself!  Continually, I keep obligating my time to others and what they need/want above my own out of guilt and shame.  This line of thinking is so backwards and counterproductive that I am confused as to how I keep letting it happen. 

I have begun the process of restructuring my goals and directions through thought and planning, however, I am neglecting the most important part of succeeding. PLAIN OLD HARD WORK!

There is no way to reach any level of success but by spending quality time doing what is necessary.  No amount of planning and dreaming can replace the actual act of  "DOING"  In my line of work, there is no one else who can do it.  I am the creator of my own products.  It MUST come from me. There is no middle man to put the pressure on, no machine to do it for me and certainly there are no little elves to do it while I sleep. 

Spending my time WORKING on my craft is my goal at this point.  I can do none of what I am planning without a product, so that is what I must do. 

I MUST CREATE!!!

Yet Another Change in Direction!

I find myself in a situation that part of me doubted would ever happen but which I was planning for in the near future.  It seems that I have contemplated and studied this very thing for years but never had a realistic idea of how big a change it could be.  How do you plan for something so unplannable?  How do you prepare for something so unknown?

I am having a baby!  It is growing inside me as I type!

I say it and it still has an unreal science fiction type of reaction on my brain.  I will be 16 weeks(4 months) in the gestation of my alien parasite on Wednesday.  How do you wrap your mind around a 5 inch moving human fetus growing on it's own in an organ that I rarely gave any thought to other than the fact that it was a huge inconvenience one week out of every month?

The sickness, exaustion, worry and science have become a 24 hour a day quandry.  To even feed my own body has become a career in and of itself.   Much to my dismay, music has been forced to the background even non-existant at times.  It's a battle that is ongoing in my mind. 

How do I balance myself and the life of a child?  I have many ideas and much desire to continue moving forward.  I have no doubt that I will pursue all that I have worked toward previously but I also know it will not be the same.  The pessimist inside me sees this as a terrible thing, however, I know myself and that said, I know that I will re-evaluate and redirect my attentions and efforts in a productive manner.  Even if I don't know what will come of it...

Self Motivation?

I was sitting, contemplating the other day.  I was deep in thought about how am I going to do all the things that I want to in regards to music.  I was wondering if I had the self-motivation to complete the tasks I've put in front of myself.  Then I started to think about Self-Motivation.  Is it a real state of mind or is it one of those things that you either have or don't have, or is it something you have to cultivate?

I believe it is the latter.

Motivation is something that needs a lot of cultivation.  It needs sunshine and to be watered regularly just like a garden.  If it doesn't get those things, it withers and dies.  I know it's cliche but true none-the-less.  Below is a list of aspects that keep motivation an active part of my musical goals.  Even though I'm not great at being consistantly motivated:

Preparing the soil = Hone your skills (Practice, Practice, Practice) Dream a little!
Planting = Organize and get down to the nitty gritty, diversify your talents and directions so you have many possible directions.  Create goals both short and long term.
Sunshine = Have JOY in the work! If you love music, it will love you.
Water = Faith in your abilities and enough confidence to get past rejection and set backs.
Clearing Weeds = Refining your work, keeping your goals/aspirations free from time and energy suckers

Over the next little while, I will go over each of these in depth and create my own motivation calender so I can chart my own progress towards a particular goal or set of goals.  I'll put it out there so anyone can see my failure or success.  

Authors Note:
I'm not trying to be some know it all musician.  The truth is, I am not famous and not particularly successful (Atleast not in a monitary way)  and I am terrible at following my own advice.  I know that not many people read my blog and I don't expect anything to come of it.  I am writing all of this for MY benefit.  If anyone gets anything out of it, that would just be a bonus.  So there! Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!

Performer Business Licensing in Las Vegas

Recently it was brought to my attention that one of my favorite open mics here in Las Vegas has come under fire from the city reguarding Entertainer and Promoter licensing.  I have always wondered about the laws here but am shocked at the reality of the situation.  Here is what I have learned thus far:

The scenario:    Suppose I schedule a show at a local coffee shop.  No payment is offered by the establishment but I am allowed to sell my CDs and accept tips.  I typically sell 3 CDs at $5 each and possibly make $10 in tips.  Gross income: $25  Net:  approx. $17.50 due to travel and food costs.

Licensing fees as the performer:  Entertainer license-$25  Processing fee-$30  Vender license-$5  This is per show.  Not to mention, the yearly business license fees just to call myself a professional musician which is an additional $25 license fee, $30 processing fee and $50 minimum income fee which will be adjusted and paid according to my income every 6 months.  Also, because I function from my home there is an additional fee to do business out of my home. (I am unsure about the actual amount.) Total costs to do one show per year under the current policy:  $170 plus the additional home business fee.

Costs if caught in violation:  up to $1000 per day/show, and/or up to 6 months in jail.

It is hard enough to continue creating music without this kind of extortion going on.  My hopes are that this is something the city has not had brought to their attention and through changes in policy can be rectified. 

What can you do?

PLEASE GET INVOLVED!  Tune in tomorrow, November 10th, on http://www.xradio.biz/ from 8 to 10 AM with DJ Jefferson Montoya as he calls the city offices to get to the bottom of this.  You can also contact your city council to ask for changes in policy to keep original music, like mine, alive and well.

Your support would mean the world to me...Thanks.