Tirelessly Tired...

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to feel tired like this during pregnancy.  I don't sleep all the time and I tend to be somewhat productive but not by doing the things that I really want to do.  It seems like the entire month of March was one of rushing from one place to another and hurrying through endless projects that had nothing to do with my goals as a musician.  April seems to be building itself the same way.

UGG!!!

 I promised myself that my music would not "fall by the wayside" just because I enter the realm of motherhood.  I know that my direction and focus will have to change but my obligation to myself must not. There hasn't been one second this week that I have even picked up my guitar let alone write, record or even practice. I have invested far too much money, time, effort and love into building whatever it is I have here to just treat it as a hobby. 

Do I sound frustrated and bitter?  I AM...

I'm not angry with anyone but myself!  Continually, I keep obligating my time to others and what they need/want above my own out of guilt and shame.  This line of thinking is so backwards and counterproductive that I am confused as to how I keep letting it happen. 

I have begun the process of restructuring my goals and directions through thought and planning, however, I am neglecting the most important part of succeeding. PLAIN OLD HARD WORK!

There is no way to reach any level of success but by spending quality time doing what is necessary.  No amount of planning and dreaming can replace the actual act of  "DOING"  In my line of work, there is no one else who can do it.  I am the creator of my own products.  It MUST come from me. There is no middle man to put the pressure on, no machine to do it for me and certainly there are no little elves to do it while I sleep. 

Spending my time WORKING on my craft is my goal at this point.  I can do none of what I am planning without a product, so that is what I must do. 

I MUST CREATE!!!

Yet Another Change in Direction!

I find myself in a situation that part of me doubted would ever happen but which I was planning for in the near future.  It seems that I have contemplated and studied this very thing for years but never had a realistic idea of how big a change it could be.  How do you plan for something so unplannable?  How do you prepare for something so unknown?

I am having a baby!  It is growing inside me as I type!

I say it and it still has an unreal science fiction type of reaction on my brain.  I will be 16 weeks(4 months) in the gestation of my alien parasite on Wednesday.  How do you wrap your mind around a 5 inch moving human fetus growing on it's own in an organ that I rarely gave any thought to other than the fact that it was a huge inconvenience one week out of every month?

The sickness, exaustion, worry and science have become a 24 hour a day quandry.  To even feed my own body has become a career in and of itself.   Much to my dismay, music has been forced to the background even non-existant at times.  It's a battle that is ongoing in my mind. 

How do I balance myself and the life of a child?  I have many ideas and much desire to continue moving forward.  I have no doubt that I will pursue all that I have worked toward previously but I also know it will not be the same.  The pessimist inside me sees this as a terrible thing, however, I know myself and that said, I know that I will re-evaluate and redirect my attentions and efforts in a productive manner.  Even if I don't know what will come of it...