Self Motivation?

I was sitting, contemplating the other day.  I was deep in thought about how am I going to do all the things that I want to in regards to music.  I was wondering if I had the self-motivation to complete the tasks I've put in front of myself.  Then I started to think about Self-Motivation.  Is it a real state of mind or is it one of those things that you either have or don't have, or is it something you have to cultivate?

I believe it is the latter.

Motivation is something that needs a lot of cultivation.  It needs sunshine and to be watered regularly just like a garden.  If it doesn't get those things, it withers and dies.  I know it's cliche but true none-the-less.  Below is a list of aspects that keep motivation an active part of my musical goals.  Even though I'm not great at being consistantly motivated:

Preparing the soil = Hone your skills (Practice, Practice, Practice) Dream a little!
Planting = Organize and get down to the nitty gritty, diversify your talents and directions so you have many possible directions.  Create goals both short and long term.
Sunshine = Have JOY in the work! If you love music, it will love you.
Water = Faith in your abilities and enough confidence to get past rejection and set backs.
Clearing Weeds = Refining your work, keeping your goals/aspirations free from time and energy suckers

Over the next little while, I will go over each of these in depth and create my own motivation calender so I can chart my own progress towards a particular goal or set of goals.  I'll put it out there so anyone can see my failure or success.  

Authors Note:
I'm not trying to be some know it all musician.  The truth is, I am not famous and not particularly successful (Atleast not in a monitary way)  and I am terrible at following my own advice.  I know that not many people read my blog and I don't expect anything to come of it.  I am writing all of this for MY benefit.  If anyone gets anything out of it, that would just be a bonus.  So there! Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!

Performer Business Licensing in Las Vegas

Recently it was brought to my attention that one of my favorite open mics here in Las Vegas has come under fire from the city reguarding Entertainer and Promoter licensing.  I have always wondered about the laws here but am shocked at the reality of the situation.  Here is what I have learned thus far:

The scenario:    Suppose I schedule a show at a local coffee shop.  No payment is offered by the establishment but I am allowed to sell my CDs and accept tips.  I typically sell 3 CDs at $5 each and possibly make $10 in tips.  Gross income: $25  Net:  approx. $17.50 due to travel and food costs.

Licensing fees as the performer:  Entertainer license-$25  Processing fee-$30  Vender license-$5  This is per show.  Not to mention, the yearly business license fees just to call myself a professional musician which is an additional $25 license fee, $30 processing fee and $50 minimum income fee which will be adjusted and paid according to my income every 6 months.  Also, because I function from my home there is an additional fee to do business out of my home. (I am unsure about the actual amount.) Total costs to do one show per year under the current policy:  $170 plus the additional home business fee.

Costs if caught in violation:  up to $1000 per day/show, and/or up to 6 months in jail.

It is hard enough to continue creating music without this kind of extortion going on.  My hopes are that this is something the city has not had brought to their attention and through changes in policy can be rectified. 

What can you do?

PLEASE GET INVOLVED!  Tune in tomorrow, November 10th, on http://www.xradio.biz/ from 8 to 10 AM with DJ Jefferson Montoya as he calls the city offices to get to the bottom of this.  You can also contact your city council to ask for changes in policy to keep original music, like mine, alive and well.

Your support would mean the world to me...Thanks.

One step forward...two steps back

I find myself unsure a lot of the time as to what I am doing with all that I have to offer.  There are also all the set-backs and step-ups that affect my choices or lack there of.  Last week I played 4 shows in Las Vegas then had a family reunion.  I played all of my shows with great enthusiasm and got a great response from the listeners and other musicians.  I was even asked to submit some music to a national online radio station.  I felt on top of the world!

Well...

At my family reunion, my mother requested that I play a few songs for my family.  I played and sang out with  just as much enthusiasm as my Las Vegas shows.  Lets just say...The Fam was less than enthusiastic.  People were talking and laughing, leaving and really just being pretty rude while I tried my best to share my music with them.  It really hurt that I got a better responce from strangers in Las Vegas than from my own family.  They were more concerned about when I was going to squeeze out a baby than what I have been up to with my music.  I got a lot of lines like, "Your clock is ticking.  How long have you been married? Etc."   

I don't want to be the woman who had a child because she was running out of time and I don't want to be the nobody musician running on fumes with nothing to show for all the hard work.  I didn't plan on it being this way and I certainly didn't do it on purpose.  I dread the day when I am with child and the "finally" comments and "what took so long?" comments come off their lips. 

Everybody needs encouragment, not to be beaten down by their loved ones.  That's how they made me feel.  Like no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough.     

"Thick Skin"

Out of nowhere I have shows scheduled.  I have been out of performing for almost a year since I left a show before performing because there was a pornographic film being played at the venue and I had my friend, mom and husband with me.  It was an aweful experience to bail on a show like that.  I had never, EVER done that before.  There has always been a sense of  powering through and "the show must go on" attitude for my performing and it was a horrible feeling to leave like that.  It really shook me up and discouraged me about performing in Las Vegas.

Now, I have three shows scheduled within a week. 

This last weekend I had a home concert in my backyard.  It was a test run to see how many people showed interest in seeing live, acoustic music in a home setting as opposed to a business venue.  I invited a hundred of my closest friends and family, prepared a mountain of amazing food and played an hour of my music. There was no cover charge but I requested donations and had CDs available as a reward for the donation. 16 people showed up, 5 of which were family, 7 church friends, 2 from Gary's work and 2 music conections.  I made $160 in donations, $90 from family and the rest unknown.  I believe it was a success!  Even though I spent that much on food and wasn't as prepared as I would have liked for the actual performance.  I even had some unknown neighbors clapping from accross the fence.  Now to play pessimist... Only 10% of my invites showed up to my home show and I prepared waaaay too much food which ate up all of my profit.

Then, I played a show at a Borders Books in Henderson last night.  My fellow performers were several female writers/poets who bore their souls in their writings and inspired me to try to be a better woman.  I was truly touched and it was a pleasure to perform on the same stage with them.  Back to pessimism... My own husband didn't want to come and support me.  I got there at 6:30, expecting to play from 7 to 7:30PM.  I didn't go on until about 7:45PM due to sound issues.  Borders forgot that the concert was scheduled and had not advertised.  There was not a big crowd, half of which seemed PUT OUT by the talents being shared.  I got up infront of them and did the best I could.  I sold one CD and traded two more.  Total made $5, $4 of which I spent on a snack for my dinner. 

One might ask, "why do you even bother?"  Or, "You must have really thick skin to keep doing this for so little?"

Here is my reply, "Having THICK SKIN, is a MYTH!!  I have and will probably always suffer not being appreciated, low CD sales, little pay for all the work I do and endure spirit crushing criticism.  I feel it all!  It burns and hurts just like you think it would.  HOWEVER, it is my unflinching determination  and will to stay on a course I believe in that keeps me inviting the pain to get the good that is so readily given in the form of creating and sharing my God givin gifts that I have so carefully cultivated! 

I WILL CONTINUE!!!

Changes

Stop telling me what's expected of me!

Perfection...I don't know how to be?

Your Expectations are Killing me!

All around me My dreams are dying.

The life of a woman poking, prying.

A Husband, a Family, a Career, Self-satisfying...

Which is the most important of these?

If I can't do them all will I know true peace?

This need of achieving, will it ever cease?

I was sitting enjoying the fall weather here in Vegas.  October is the most beautiful month of the year here.  Temperatures in the 80's, things green up shortly before winter and there is a crisp cool bite in the air in the morning hours.  Perfect for a walk in the park or a bike ride.  It seems to happen instantaneously.  In a few days the weather changes from the searing heat of summer to the respit of fall and on to the wicked winter. 

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "The only constant is change."  If that is true why does it still come as a shock.  Like your best friend just SLAPS you in the face for no reason.  I'm sitting here wondering, "How did I get here?  How did time pass so quickly?"

I know I'm being cryptic and sounding very negative.  That's not my intention.  The things going on in my life are not bad or wrong.  They are just changes that need to be made.  Patti Griffin is singing out of my speakers about "swimming with snakes in the bottom of the well".  Just a guitar track and Patti cutting through the air.  It sets the mood so well with it's sound that I wonder if it's just a coincidence.  

Things change weather we want or not.  Time moves on so seemingly seperate from all of us. We have a choice, go peacefully or be pulled behind. 

Right now, I'm just trying to keep up...  

New Toys

Just when I think I thought I had everything I want in my studio list, digidesign comes out with the Eleven Rack guitar recording solution.  Anyone have an extra $1000?

My music career has been full of wants and needs over the last several years.  In the beginning, it was all about writing and performing but now I tend to focus more on writing and recording.  The internet seems to have taken over the music world.  Sometimes I find myself wondering, "Why bother? No one will ever find me in the sea of music on the internet,"  Yet, I have spent thousands of dollars on recording equipment.  At the rate I am going, it will take 20 years to make enough to come close to breaking even with the costs of all this stuff.  My toys...I love them and I enjoy them but I desperatly want to have a taste of success, or I want to not care any more. 

I am to the point where I don't feel an urgency to get to some imaginary point of success.  The unreachable dream of music world domination is more of a turn off than an unrequieted love.  I would really like to feel that I do a job that rewards both my pocket and my ego.   

Diversifying

I spend a lot of time wondering why I'm not as successful as I would like with music. The answer is easy to say but not easy to remedy. One of those "easier said than done" situations.
The answer is: Diversifying. As a singer/songwriter there are many possible paths to follow. Before I actually got into it I was of the mind that "how hard could it be, I write the music and I sing the music." Someone else will see how talented and great I am and do the rest. It's as simple as that. Isn't it? Boy! I had a rude awakening!!

The fact of the matter is...NO!!!

Here are the questions I ask myself now. Who is going to get people to come see me sing my music? How are they going to know where I'm doing a show? How will I get them to remember be, to come to another show? How will I make enough money to keep travelling for shows? When will I have time to write more music amidst all this other stuff?

The answer is complicated. I don't have money to pay for publicity, advertising, booking agent, recording engineer, producer, street team, etc...So who's going to do all of these various jobs?

ME!!!

The fact of the matter is that it is physically imposible for me to do all of these things at the same time. I don't have the time or the skills to do them all perfectly or completly. However, I have no choice but to do my best and it has to be good enough. So I write the music, practice and perform the music, I invested in studio equipment and went to school to learn to use it, I build my own websites and blogs, I keep my own emailing list, I book my own shows, I sell my own CDs and on and on and on.

Am I known all over the country? No. Do I sell a million copies of my CD? No. Do people flock to see my shows? I wish! But, I do all I can and try to forget the things I can't do. In the hopes that one day, MUSIC, will take care of me the way I have tried to take care of it.

Distractions!

There is always something that is diverting my attention away from music! You would think that I could just say "to HECK" with everything else but it isn't always that easy. The things that hinder my progress are always things that I want to do. Right now, I want to finish my Christmas project for my family, plan and execute a baby shower for a good friend, clean up my childhood home for a family get together and get back on track with running my household.

All of these things need my attention, so regrettably I will have to cut down my time spent on music to be able to get it all done. If I had been smart I would have eliminated some of these things because undoubtedly, they are all things I have committed to, thinking that I am wonder woman with super powers. That's one thing about me that is a plus and a minus. It never occurs to me that I can't do all of these things.

After all, isn't anything possible?

Stumped!

Have you ever worked on something that should be simple to complete yet somehow completion escapes you? Well, I am working on something exactly like that. I am arranging a song that I wrote about 5 years ago. I have played it so many times, that I will never get rid of it from my brain, but for some reason, now that I am arranging/recording it, I can not get it to fit into conventional music terms. I am obviously missing something. For the life of me, I can't figure it out. It has been 3 days in the studio trying to make sense of it.

I have completed 4 other songs during my quest to release a new album and none of them has given me as much trouble as this one.

I suppose I need this tough song to keep me humble. I was beginning to think I had this music stuff down! I should always remember that music is an ongoing process of learning. There will always be something new that stumps me. It's exciting yet still remarkably frustrating!

The dog park

I have two dogs. Buster is a 4 year old Boxer and Millie is a 6 month old miniature schnauzer. I have started taking Milli to the dog park when I go for my walk/run at the park. I know the names of 20 dogs and none of their owners. It seems to be the thing to introduce yourself through your dog. The protocol is: Bring dog through gate. Let sniffing commence. Then announce to the person next to you your dogs name and what they are like.

I'm not saying it's a dumb thing to do. I adore my dogs just as much as the other animal fanatics. In face, I find myself doing the same thing! I think that the dog park is not so much for our beloved canines, but for our socializing too. It's easier to talk to people you don't know when there is some kind of buffer to distance yourself from rejection. "It's not that they didn't like me, they just didn't like my dog," for example.

We all have a fear of rejection. A fear that for some reason or another, we won't be good enough for someone else. The challenge is not to "not care what people think". That's like accepting that you are not good enough and you just don't care that you aren't. The challenge is however, to accept that you won't be liked by everyone. You may not be so-and-so's cup of tea. It is not by any fault of your own (unless you purposely try to be abrasive) but it is other's individual likes and dislikes that clash with your own.

Stick with those that "get you" and let the rest go their own way. With a polite smile, of course.

Goals

I went to see "Julie and Julia" last night. It's a story about a 30 year old woman who has a dead end job and doesn't like where she lives and decides to go through Julia Childs' cookbook in one year and blog about it.

I absolutely adored this movie!

I saw so much of myself in the character Julie. I think a lot of us feel the same feelings of inadequacy, failure and disappointment many times in our life. It's part of the human condition to want more, to want to become accomplished and successful, to want to feel like what we have to offer is worth while. Julie spent a year of her life working on her cooking blog. It didn't pay her anything yet she continued even when it became terribly hard to do. Eventually she did receive the recognition she wanted.

It made me think a lot about why I do what I do. I continue to work on my music because I hope one day I will be noticed and appreciated for what I have to offer this world through my talents. I'm not saying I'm hoping to become a famous "Rock Star" and make millions. However, a nice living would be ideal... I'm saying I want validation, I think that's what we all want. To be appreciated for what we do no matter what it is. I've had to change the way I view success over the past several years. My goal has been to try to appreciate just being able to create music and not get so wrapped up in making money and reaching some imaginary success point.

It's a strange thought process when you think about it. When you are unsuccessful you need to just be happy to be able to do it for free, until you become successful then you have to be glad that you persevered through all the years of hardcore nothingness and vindicated by your new found success. So..... I will be proud of what I'm doing until I am successful, then I will be proud of my accomplishments and glad to be out of the worthless nothing years when I was a complete and utter failure. That is an oxymoron if I ever heard one!

That's just too complicated to me. I think I will just keep on creating music because I feel like it. Not because I see success down the road, feel obligated to further my talents, or am afraid I will always just be an average human being. I will continue simply because I CAN!!!

My Studio

My studio has become my SANCTUARY. I spend a great chunk of my time in this small space filled with all the recording goodies a singer/songwriter could need(almost! there's always room for more gadgets). It's a lovely place that might give others a little anxiety with all the equipment and instruments everywhere.

Before last August when I decided to become a Certified Protools Operator I hated recording. My first album was such a trial that I didn't want to ever do it again. It was recorded on an eight track digital recorder and mixed in CakewalkXL. Every track was painful and difficult because I had to get the whole song in one long take. No punching in or splicing. It seemed virtually impossible at times and took me a year and a half to get my first eight songs recorded. I will forever be proud of Little Miss Nowhere because it is all mine. It isn't the most beautifully produced record on the planet but it is a personal success despite the measly 300 copies I have sold thus far.

As I was saying, last August I attended and completed coursework at TRAC (The Recording Arts Center) in San Diego. Since then I have enjoyed and even become obsessed with engineering. No, I haven't completed an album but I have been tirelessly working towards it.

I am now recording 30 new songs to be considered for my next album as well as a children's CD project of my mother's poetry. I look forward to my next success and believe it will become a reality very soon.

Wednesdays

I think it is incredibly important to have balance, especially when it comes to your passion. Mine of course is creating music. I find that when I become too distant from or too focused on music I become unhappy. It's like there is this invisible scale that is tipped if I get too far from dead center.

Therefore, I have chosen Wednesdays to focus on some of the other things in my life. Some of which are more important than music, such as my wonderful husband and some that are mundane or even "YUCKY" like cleaning the bathroom.

My schedule should be as follows:

7:30 - Breakfast

8:30 - Watch the news

9:00 - Shower/Blog

10:00 - Clean Living Room and de-clutter

11:00 - Ira's Guitar lesson

12:00 - Lunch

1:00 - Clean up time! Including the YUCKY bathroom...

4:00 - Check email/Start with dinner plans

5:30 - Kiss the hubby hello

6:00 - Dinner

7:30 - 12 mile Bike Ride

Not very exciting or interesting I know but it is all stuff that needs my attention. I can't spend every day in my musical fantasy and like it or not I need to have time as a Woman and Wife. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to add the title of Mother to my list. Oh BOY!! Did I really say that?

Looking for Direction...

I find myself wondering a lot about my music career. I have many books on the Music Business and all it's inner workings. I study them, I ponder them and yet I still don't really know what direction I'm going in. I have always felt I was running out of time and I've always been in a hurry to get to some imaginary point of success.

Am I really out of time?

When you turn 30 in the music business, it's like all of the sudden you aren't pretty enough, not established enough, not famous enough, not accomplished enough and just all round not good enough to work with. It's really sad that I have been struggling with other music professionals (producers, record companies, scouts, etc)reguarding my age since I was 25. Does this seem bizarre to anyone else? Especially since I really didn't get started until I was 23. Yet, I see the oldest, ugliest male musicians still out there "making it" while really talented females are looked over simply because they are over the dreaded "30" mark. I haven't changed much since my 20's. I'm still thin, cute, my boobs are even still perky! The things that have changed, are improvements as far as I am concerned. I feel like my songwriting has come miles from where I started, I'm a far better guitar player, and I have my own studio equipment and am proficient at using it.

Here's the kicker! As many times as you hear that the music business is all about age and appearance (apparently more so for women), I never really believe it. The optimistic side of me wants to believe that my talents and hard work will pay off. Even as I'm writing this blog, I'm not thinking I will give up, but that I will have a renewed ferver to continue on my way. I don't know what direction I will pursue? Whether it be as an artist, a engineer/producer, a publishing and licensing company, etc... I can't ever see myself not writing and singing my own music. It's a piece of my soul. It's more "me" than any other part of my life. I'd rather keep it close and suffer the disapointment and failure than give it up and lose what is uniquely mine.

Procrastination

So here I am procrastinating all of my studio work. I have 30 songs to record and write out on staff before I even think about recording for a new album and I am here writing my very first blog here at blogspot. Not to mention that I just got back from a long walk and the dog park.

I already feel like I need a nap and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet.

I guess that is my real challenge with music. It is incredibly hard to stay motivated and get a lot done when you don't get a paycheck. I love music! I love to create it... I love to sing it... I love to record it...I love to play it... but I really want to make a career out of it. It has escaped me thus far.

Sure, I teach lessons and I have CDs to sell but that hardly gives me a productive income. I have spent more than I have ever made in the ten years I have been doing music. Gary says he doesn't mind and I joke about him "supporting my music habit" but I feel weird saying that it is my career. Doesn't a career involve making a living? I am incredibly blessed to have such a husband. I hope one day I can pay him back for everything I have invested in my non-paying full-time-plus job.

BACK TO WORK!!!