Surprises and Transition...

I have avoided my blog like the plague lately.  The reason being I just don't know how to put into words all that I feel and am going through but I think I will try today. This blog is called "Ruth Ann Sharp Singer/Songwriter"  however, my life no longer can be split up into such clean cut sections of music and life.  I am a sum of all it's parts and trying to make sense of them all is proving to be nearly impossible.

Now that it's January 2013, I guess I will start by writing about all the transitions I had in 2012 that brought me to this very jumbled confusion of a mess I call life.

2012 started out quite happily with the opening of my studio that we had spent thousands of dollars on.  My pride and joy at it's completion was immense and I actually had quite steady work producing/engineering a few bands and clients.  I was so busy in fact that I hadn't even recorded my own music.  It was nice to be progressing and making a little profit in the business of music.  The work was challenging but very fulfilling.  My son Coby was now 18 months old and easier to handle and I even started performing regularly in early spring and summer.  Cool Right!?

Things apparently weren't meant to last... We had been noticing our neighborhoods falling standards of peace and tranquility.  Crime was rising due to the collapse of the housing market and economy and it was feeling increasingly like we were becoming more of a target than a neighbor.  I was concerned due to the considerable amount of music equipment I have collected and I knew there were many crime elements including drugs and theft looming nearby.  We had been the target of three car burglaries thus far.  The feeling of unease was soon to become urgent and move right on to DANGER...

In late spring, as I was getting Coby ready to play in the yard, I noticed some odd individuals next door over the fence.  First one helmet, then two, next a rifle barrel!  It didn't register until...KABOOM!!...A swat team had taken position surrounding a meth house directly adjacent to mine and the first line of action had been a compression bomb.  Panicked, I grabbed my son and ran for my beloved studio (the safest place I knew of in my home).  I remained there for nearly two hours before I dared venture out. From that day on, all I could think of was getting my family out of the danger and in a safer place.  My husband was unsure at first and I had mixed feelings about leaving my studio behind but five days later I was informed by a police officer at my front door to lock my doors, stay inside and wait while the K9 unit searched the entire neighborhood for a dangerous carjacker that apparently lived at the end of my culdesac.  

Well, that ended the dillema, we needed to move our family to a safer place.  Our home was worth half of what we paid so we started the short sale process and began looking for a new home.  I knew that leaving my studio would sadden me but i tried not to think about it and do the best for my family.  I also knew that we wanted a second child and that musically things would change and for a considerable amount of time I would have to live on less music and more motherhood.  

Now to the present, the short sale is now complete and we are adjusting nicely to our new home in a safe neighborhood. It is a happy, peaceful place and I feel very blessed to have it. We are also proudly expecting a daughter due in early May.   The pregnancy thus far has been a challenge to say the least but we are still thrilled to welcome her into our family.  As I type she is kicking around inside, reminding me that she is real and coming soon.  It is a rollercoaster of a ride full of wonder and fear that I will never forget.  

Music, on the other hand, has been non-existent and has left a hole in my heart. I feel the loss of my studio and personal musical life but I don't know what my next step is in the search for a career in music.  I won't be rebuilding a studio in the near future, performing is out of the question due to my physical condition during this pregnancy and the chaos that comes from a newborn will keep my passion at bay for an undetermined amount of time.  My motivation is severely lacking and I hope by going back for more musical instruction I can rebuild some confidence and enjoyment as a musician.  Perhaps I will comment more on that in a later post but for now my roles as Wife, Mother and Homemaker are calling.  The hollow place left in my heart for music will have to wait to be filled another time.  

Nearly a year has flown by!

How does it happen?  When did I have the time to have a year almost pass before my eyes?  As you can tell, I'm a little confused.  It has been a trying year full of exhilaration, fear, sadness, great joy and any emotion you could possibly think of, TIMES THREE! 

Sadly, I must admit there has been very little time dedicated to music.  I miss it and at the same time wonder if I'll ever really get into it again.  I desperately want and need to continue my musical journey and am doing my very best to bring it back into the front of my life without taking away from my husband and son. The guilt and trepidation is palpable but the passion undeniable.  The push and pull of it all is exhausting!

The real differences are time and energy. 

The first, "time" is self explanatory.  There just aren't hours enough in the day to take care of a marriage, a baby, a household and an awesome music career.  How can I create, record, perform, teach etc in an hour a day?  It's definitely a conundrum. I'm left wondering if I have done anything musically that will be remembered in the time to come or if it's all been lost in the shuffle.  I guess I'll have to find the time to create more so I don't end up feeling cheated.

The second, "energy".  To even write the word conjures up visions of riding my bike 8 miles and feeling great, then writing, recording and practicing for 5 hours at a time and then relaxing with the hubby until bedtime at midnight.  I know at some point I could do those things without batting an eye.  Now however, by 8PM after child care and domesticity, I can barely keep my eyes open. 

Music isn't completely lost in the shuffle!  Miraculously, I started taking piano lessons to broaden my musical horizons and get me motivated.  My next goal is to add in an hour of guitar and singing practice.  WOW! Two hours of music a day!  My husband has also graciously offered to relinquish his garage to create me a new and improved music room separate from the house yet close enough to not be away from Coby.  I am thrilled at the prospect of having a large space dedicated to music but am terrified that I won't be able to produce enough out of it to make it worth while.  I have always wanted my music to be a business and more than just my guilty pleasure and this new renovation may be the key to reaching my new music goals.

We will see how it all pans out...

Bitter Sweet Completion

I set out to create an album of lullabies not only for my unborn first child but to prove to myself that this next step in my life will not rob me of a very important part of myself.  After a little over 3 months of creation and relentless work, it is COMPLETE.  It is a collection of 12 original and classic lullabies.

It has only been heard by 3 people thus far.  Myself, my husband and the mastering engineer.  Whether it will be well received has yet to be seen.  This weekend will be the first time it will be showcased to an audience.  I will be giving out copies to all my friends who are coming to celebrate my unborn child at a baby shower.  However, it will not be available for sale until later this fall when the permanent packaging is complete with a portrait of my son.

I am thrilled to have completed this album, especially since I have taken it on at a time when my life is truly in transition.  I have proved to myself that I can continue on my musical journey in the midst of so much turmoil and change.

However, there is a part of me that will miss the life I've lived thus far.  I know it must change as lives always do.  I'll miss the freedom to stay in my studio hour after hour writing and recording, the times of just my husband and I on the couch, my times of solo contemplation, etc.  There will be many new wondrous and challenging experiences to be had in the coming weeks, months and years.   I find it a struggle to accept that I will not be the same as I was before.  Not to myself and not to others.  I know it's silly but it seems a little like the end of an era.  

What will be different?  I don't even know what to mourn and what to embrace.  I guess I'm just a little afraid of the unknown.  I know the things that are truly important will remain and the trivial things will pass away.  That's what this project proved to me. 

Transitions will come and go and life will go on.  It always does...

Redirected and Recommited!

My last blog was a frustrated piece of reading material.  I had created my own drama by not taking action towards a well defined goal.  I was completely engulfed in self-loathing and self-pity.  I will admit I have a very good excuse for having less energy and time to spend on my personal music goals, however, an excuse is an excuse if it keeps you from making ANY progress what-so-ever.

As of March 31st, the date of my last entry, I have created a well defined project and worked towards it in a consistent manner.   

The month of April was spent contemplating my project and writing/organizing the material to be included in it (as well as taking a well deserved Baby Moon to Kauai with my wonderful husband).  It was a relief to immerse myself in the creative process of writing and it helped me to become excited of the prospect of completion.  Completion being the thing that often eludes me during my musical endeavors. 

As of May 10th I am now heavily engulfed in the recording process.  I have also written a very precise timeline for the project completion and am doing my best to stick to it.  I have managed to reach a point that is almost non-existent while I am recording. I actually am enjoying myself immensely! 

That being said, I am also very aware of my limitations and recognize the need for some flexibility.  My hope is to be satisfied with what I can do and forgiving of myself when I don't meet all of my many expectations.  

How have I come to this possibly temporary euphoria with the musical creation process? 

I have embraced an idea that almost never enters my head when working on a project.  It may be shocking...It may be scary in a sense.  But here goes:

SIMPLICITY!

In all aspects of this project.  From lyrics and guitar to mastering and CD duplication I am insisting on clinging to the priceless saying, "KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID!"

Tirelessly Tired...

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to feel tired like this during pregnancy.  I don't sleep all the time and I tend to be somewhat productive but not by doing the things that I really want to do.  It seems like the entire month of March was one of rushing from one place to another and hurrying through endless projects that had nothing to do with my goals as a musician.  April seems to be building itself the same way.

UGG!!!

 I promised myself that my music would not "fall by the wayside" just because I enter the realm of motherhood.  I know that my direction and focus will have to change but my obligation to myself must not. There hasn't been one second this week that I have even picked up my guitar let alone write, record or even practice. I have invested far too much money, time, effort and love into building whatever it is I have here to just treat it as a hobby. 

Do I sound frustrated and bitter?  I AM...

I'm not angry with anyone but myself!  Continually, I keep obligating my time to others and what they need/want above my own out of guilt and shame.  This line of thinking is so backwards and counterproductive that I am confused as to how I keep letting it happen. 

I have begun the process of restructuring my goals and directions through thought and planning, however, I am neglecting the most important part of succeeding. PLAIN OLD HARD WORK!

There is no way to reach any level of success but by spending quality time doing what is necessary.  No amount of planning and dreaming can replace the actual act of  "DOING"  In my line of work, there is no one else who can do it.  I am the creator of my own products.  It MUST come from me. There is no middle man to put the pressure on, no machine to do it for me and certainly there are no little elves to do it while I sleep. 

Spending my time WORKING on my craft is my goal at this point.  I can do none of what I am planning without a product, so that is what I must do. 

I MUST CREATE!!!

Yet Another Change in Direction!

I find myself in a situation that part of me doubted would ever happen but which I was planning for in the near future.  It seems that I have contemplated and studied this very thing for years but never had a realistic idea of how big a change it could be.  How do you plan for something so unplannable?  How do you prepare for something so unknown?

I am having a baby!  It is growing inside me as I type!

I say it and it still has an unreal science fiction type of reaction on my brain.  I will be 16 weeks(4 months) in the gestation of my alien parasite on Wednesday.  How do you wrap your mind around a 5 inch moving human fetus growing on it's own in an organ that I rarely gave any thought to other than the fact that it was a huge inconvenience one week out of every month?

The sickness, exaustion, worry and science have become a 24 hour a day quandry.  To even feed my own body has become a career in and of itself.   Much to my dismay, music has been forced to the background even non-existant at times.  It's a battle that is ongoing in my mind. 

How do I balance myself and the life of a child?  I have many ideas and much desire to continue moving forward.  I have no doubt that I will pursue all that I have worked toward previously but I also know it will not be the same.  The pessimist inside me sees this as a terrible thing, however, I know myself and that said, I know that I will re-evaluate and redirect my attentions and efforts in a productive manner.  Even if I don't know what will come of it...

Self Motivation?

I was sitting, contemplating the other day.  I was deep in thought about how am I going to do all the things that I want to in regards to music.  I was wondering if I had the self-motivation to complete the tasks I've put in front of myself.  Then I started to think about Self-Motivation.  Is it a real state of mind or is it one of those things that you either have or don't have, or is it something you have to cultivate?

I believe it is the latter.

Motivation is something that needs a lot of cultivation.  It needs sunshine and to be watered regularly just like a garden.  If it doesn't get those things, it withers and dies.  I know it's cliche but true none-the-less.  Below is a list of aspects that keep motivation an active part of my musical goals.  Even though I'm not great at being consistantly motivated:

Preparing the soil = Hone your skills (Practice, Practice, Practice) Dream a little!
Planting = Organize and get down to the nitty gritty, diversify your talents and directions so you have many possible directions.  Create goals both short and long term.
Sunshine = Have JOY in the work! If you love music, it will love you.
Water = Faith in your abilities and enough confidence to get past rejection and set backs.
Clearing Weeds = Refining your work, keeping your goals/aspirations free from time and energy suckers

Over the next little while, I will go over each of these in depth and create my own motivation calender so I can chart my own progress towards a particular goal or set of goals.  I'll put it out there so anyone can see my failure or success.  

Authors Note:
I'm not trying to be some know it all musician.  The truth is, I am not famous and not particularly successful (Atleast not in a monitary way)  and I am terrible at following my own advice.  I know that not many people read my blog and I don't expect anything to come of it.  I am writing all of this for MY benefit.  If anyone gets anything out of it, that would just be a bonus.  So there! Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!