Redirected and Recommited!

My last blog was a frustrated piece of reading material.  I had created my own drama by not taking action towards a well defined goal.  I was completely engulfed in self-loathing and self-pity.  I will admit I have a very good excuse for having less energy and time to spend on my personal music goals, however, an excuse is an excuse if it keeps you from making ANY progress what-so-ever.

As of March 31st, the date of my last entry, I have created a well defined project and worked towards it in a consistent manner.   

The month of April was spent contemplating my project and writing/organizing the material to be included in it (as well as taking a well deserved Baby Moon to Kauai with my wonderful husband).  It was a relief to immerse myself in the creative process of writing and it helped me to become excited of the prospect of completion.  Completion being the thing that often eludes me during my musical endeavors. 

As of May 10th I am now heavily engulfed in the recording process.  I have also written a very precise timeline for the project completion and am doing my best to stick to it.  I have managed to reach a point that is almost non-existent while I am recording. I actually am enjoying myself immensely! 

That being said, I am also very aware of my limitations and recognize the need for some flexibility.  My hope is to be satisfied with what I can do and forgiving of myself when I don't meet all of my many expectations.  

How have I come to this possibly temporary euphoria with the musical creation process? 

I have embraced an idea that almost never enters my head when working on a project.  It may be shocking...It may be scary in a sense.  But here goes:

SIMPLICITY!

In all aspects of this project.  From lyrics and guitar to mastering and CD duplication I am insisting on clinging to the priceless saying, "KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID!"

Tirelessly Tired...

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to feel tired like this during pregnancy.  I don't sleep all the time and I tend to be somewhat productive but not by doing the things that I really want to do.  It seems like the entire month of March was one of rushing from one place to another and hurrying through endless projects that had nothing to do with my goals as a musician.  April seems to be building itself the same way.

UGG!!!

 I promised myself that my music would not "fall by the wayside" just because I enter the realm of motherhood.  I know that my direction and focus will have to change but my obligation to myself must not. There hasn't been one second this week that I have even picked up my guitar let alone write, record or even practice. I have invested far too much money, time, effort and love into building whatever it is I have here to just treat it as a hobby. 

Do I sound frustrated and bitter?  I AM...

I'm not angry with anyone but myself!  Continually, I keep obligating my time to others and what they need/want above my own out of guilt and shame.  This line of thinking is so backwards and counterproductive that I am confused as to how I keep letting it happen. 

I have begun the process of restructuring my goals and directions through thought and planning, however, I am neglecting the most important part of succeeding. PLAIN OLD HARD WORK!

There is no way to reach any level of success but by spending quality time doing what is necessary.  No amount of planning and dreaming can replace the actual act of  "DOING"  In my line of work, there is no one else who can do it.  I am the creator of my own products.  It MUST come from me. There is no middle man to put the pressure on, no machine to do it for me and certainly there are no little elves to do it while I sleep. 

Spending my time WORKING on my craft is my goal at this point.  I can do none of what I am planning without a product, so that is what I must do. 

I MUST CREATE!!!

Yet Another Change in Direction!

I find myself in a situation that part of me doubted would ever happen but which I was planning for in the near future.  It seems that I have contemplated and studied this very thing for years but never had a realistic idea of how big a change it could be.  How do you plan for something so unplannable?  How do you prepare for something so unknown?

I am having a baby!  It is growing inside me as I type!

I say it and it still has an unreal science fiction type of reaction on my brain.  I will be 16 weeks(4 months) in the gestation of my alien parasite on Wednesday.  How do you wrap your mind around a 5 inch moving human fetus growing on it's own in an organ that I rarely gave any thought to other than the fact that it was a huge inconvenience one week out of every month?

The sickness, exaustion, worry and science have become a 24 hour a day quandry.  To even feed my own body has become a career in and of itself.   Much to my dismay, music has been forced to the background even non-existant at times.  It's a battle that is ongoing in my mind. 

How do I balance myself and the life of a child?  I have many ideas and much desire to continue moving forward.  I have no doubt that I will pursue all that I have worked toward previously but I also know it will not be the same.  The pessimist inside me sees this as a terrible thing, however, I know myself and that said, I know that I will re-evaluate and redirect my attentions and efforts in a productive manner.  Even if I don't know what will come of it...

Self Motivation?

I was sitting, contemplating the other day.  I was deep in thought about how am I going to do all the things that I want to in regards to music.  I was wondering if I had the self-motivation to complete the tasks I've put in front of myself.  Then I started to think about Self-Motivation.  Is it a real state of mind or is it one of those things that you either have or don't have, or is it something you have to cultivate?

I believe it is the latter.

Motivation is something that needs a lot of cultivation.  It needs sunshine and to be watered regularly just like a garden.  If it doesn't get those things, it withers and dies.  I know it's cliche but true none-the-less.  Below is a list of aspects that keep motivation an active part of my musical goals.  Even though I'm not great at being consistantly motivated:

Preparing the soil = Hone your skills (Practice, Practice, Practice) Dream a little!
Planting = Organize and get down to the nitty gritty, diversify your talents and directions so you have many possible directions.  Create goals both short and long term.
Sunshine = Have JOY in the work! If you love music, it will love you.
Water = Faith in your abilities and enough confidence to get past rejection and set backs.
Clearing Weeds = Refining your work, keeping your goals/aspirations free from time and energy suckers

Over the next little while, I will go over each of these in depth and create my own motivation calender so I can chart my own progress towards a particular goal or set of goals.  I'll put it out there so anyone can see my failure or success.  

Authors Note:
I'm not trying to be some know it all musician.  The truth is, I am not famous and not particularly successful (Atleast not in a monitary way)  and I am terrible at following my own advice.  I know that not many people read my blog and I don't expect anything to come of it.  I am writing all of this for MY benefit.  If anyone gets anything out of it, that would just be a bonus.  So there! Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!

Performer Business Licensing in Las Vegas

Recently it was brought to my attention that one of my favorite open mics here in Las Vegas has come under fire from the city reguarding Entertainer and Promoter licensing.  I have always wondered about the laws here but am shocked at the reality of the situation.  Here is what I have learned thus far:

The scenario:    Suppose I schedule a show at a local coffee shop.  No payment is offered by the establishment but I am allowed to sell my CDs and accept tips.  I typically sell 3 CDs at $5 each and possibly make $10 in tips.  Gross income: $25  Net:  approx. $17.50 due to travel and food costs.

Licensing fees as the performer:  Entertainer license-$25  Processing fee-$30  Vender license-$5  This is per show.  Not to mention, the yearly business license fees just to call myself a professional musician which is an additional $25 license fee, $30 processing fee and $50 minimum income fee which will be adjusted and paid according to my income every 6 months.  Also, because I function from my home there is an additional fee to do business out of my home. (I am unsure about the actual amount.) Total costs to do one show per year under the current policy:  $170 plus the additional home business fee.

Costs if caught in violation:  up to $1000 per day/show, and/or up to 6 months in jail.

It is hard enough to continue creating music without this kind of extortion going on.  My hopes are that this is something the city has not had brought to their attention and through changes in policy can be rectified. 

What can you do?

PLEASE GET INVOLVED!  Tune in tomorrow, November 10th, on http://www.xradio.biz/ from 8 to 10 AM with DJ Jefferson Montoya as he calls the city offices to get to the bottom of this.  You can also contact your city council to ask for changes in policy to keep original music, like mine, alive and well.

Your support would mean the world to me...Thanks.

One step forward...two steps back

I find myself unsure a lot of the time as to what I am doing with all that I have to offer.  There are also all the set-backs and step-ups that affect my choices or lack there of.  Last week I played 4 shows in Las Vegas then had a family reunion.  I played all of my shows with great enthusiasm and got a great response from the listeners and other musicians.  I was even asked to submit some music to a national online radio station.  I felt on top of the world!

Well...

At my family reunion, my mother requested that I play a few songs for my family.  I played and sang out with  just as much enthusiasm as my Las Vegas shows.  Lets just say...The Fam was less than enthusiastic.  People were talking and laughing, leaving and really just being pretty rude while I tried my best to share my music with them.  It really hurt that I got a better responce from strangers in Las Vegas than from my own family.  They were more concerned about when I was going to squeeze out a baby than what I have been up to with my music.  I got a lot of lines like, "Your clock is ticking.  How long have you been married? Etc."   

I don't want to be the woman who had a child because she was running out of time and I don't want to be the nobody musician running on fumes with nothing to show for all the hard work.  I didn't plan on it being this way and I certainly didn't do it on purpose.  I dread the day when I am with child and the "finally" comments and "what took so long?" comments come off their lips. 

Everybody needs encouragment, not to be beaten down by their loved ones.  That's how they made me feel.  Like no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough.     

"Thick Skin"

Out of nowhere I have shows scheduled.  I have been out of performing for almost a year since I left a show before performing because there was a pornographic film being played at the venue and I had my friend, mom and husband with me.  It was an aweful experience to bail on a show like that.  I had never, EVER done that before.  There has always been a sense of  powering through and "the show must go on" attitude for my performing and it was a horrible feeling to leave like that.  It really shook me up and discouraged me about performing in Las Vegas.

Now, I have three shows scheduled within a week. 

This last weekend I had a home concert in my backyard.  It was a test run to see how many people showed interest in seeing live, acoustic music in a home setting as opposed to a business venue.  I invited a hundred of my closest friends and family, prepared a mountain of amazing food and played an hour of my music. There was no cover charge but I requested donations and had CDs available as a reward for the donation. 16 people showed up, 5 of which were family, 7 church friends, 2 from Gary's work and 2 music conections.  I made $160 in donations, $90 from family and the rest unknown.  I believe it was a success!  Even though I spent that much on food and wasn't as prepared as I would have liked for the actual performance.  I even had some unknown neighbors clapping from accross the fence.  Now to play pessimist... Only 10% of my invites showed up to my home show and I prepared waaaay too much food which ate up all of my profit.

Then, I played a show at a Borders Books in Henderson last night.  My fellow performers were several female writers/poets who bore their souls in their writings and inspired me to try to be a better woman.  I was truly touched and it was a pleasure to perform on the same stage with them.  Back to pessimism... My own husband didn't want to come and support me.  I got there at 6:30, expecting to play from 7 to 7:30PM.  I didn't go on until about 7:45PM due to sound issues.  Borders forgot that the concert was scheduled and had not advertised.  There was not a big crowd, half of which seemed PUT OUT by the talents being shared.  I got up infront of them and did the best I could.  I sold one CD and traded two more.  Total made $5, $4 of which I spent on a snack for my dinner. 

One might ask, "why do you even bother?"  Or, "You must have really thick skin to keep doing this for so little?"

Here is my reply, "Having THICK SKIN, is a MYTH!!  I have and will probably always suffer not being appreciated, low CD sales, little pay for all the work I do and endure spirit crushing criticism.  I feel it all!  It burns and hurts just like you think it would.  HOWEVER, it is my unflinching determination  and will to stay on a course I believe in that keeps me inviting the pain to get the good that is so readily given in the form of creating and sharing my God givin gifts that I have so carefully cultivated! 

I WILL CONTINUE!!!