"Thick Skin"

Out of nowhere I have shows scheduled.  I have been out of performing for almost a year since I left a show before performing because there was a pornographic film being played at the venue and I had my friend, mom and husband with me.  It was an aweful experience to bail on a show like that.  I had never, EVER done that before.  There has always been a sense of  powering through and "the show must go on" attitude for my performing and it was a horrible feeling to leave like that.  It really shook me up and discouraged me about performing in Las Vegas.

Now, I have three shows scheduled within a week. 

This last weekend I had a home concert in my backyard.  It was a test run to see how many people showed interest in seeing live, acoustic music in a home setting as opposed to a business venue.  I invited a hundred of my closest friends and family, prepared a mountain of amazing food and played an hour of my music. There was no cover charge but I requested donations and had CDs available as a reward for the donation. 16 people showed up, 5 of which were family, 7 church friends, 2 from Gary's work and 2 music conections.  I made $160 in donations, $90 from family and the rest unknown.  I believe it was a success!  Even though I spent that much on food and wasn't as prepared as I would have liked for the actual performance.  I even had some unknown neighbors clapping from accross the fence.  Now to play pessimist... Only 10% of my invites showed up to my home show and I prepared waaaay too much food which ate up all of my profit.

Then, I played a show at a Borders Books in Henderson last night.  My fellow performers were several female writers/poets who bore their souls in their writings and inspired me to try to be a better woman.  I was truly touched and it was a pleasure to perform on the same stage with them.  Back to pessimism... My own husband didn't want to come and support me.  I got there at 6:30, expecting to play from 7 to 7:30PM.  I didn't go on until about 7:45PM due to sound issues.  Borders forgot that the concert was scheduled and had not advertised.  There was not a big crowd, half of which seemed PUT OUT by the talents being shared.  I got up infront of them and did the best I could.  I sold one CD and traded two more.  Total made $5, $4 of which I spent on a snack for my dinner. 

One might ask, "why do you even bother?"  Or, "You must have really thick skin to keep doing this for so little?"

Here is my reply, "Having THICK SKIN, is a MYTH!!  I have and will probably always suffer not being appreciated, low CD sales, little pay for all the work I do and endure spirit crushing criticism.  I feel it all!  It burns and hurts just like you think it would.  HOWEVER, it is my unflinching determination  and will to stay on a course I believe in that keeps me inviting the pain to get the good that is so readily given in the form of creating and sharing my God givin gifts that I have so carefully cultivated! 

I WILL CONTINUE!!!

Changes

Stop telling me what's expected of me!

Perfection...I don't know how to be?

Your Expectations are Killing me!

All around me My dreams are dying.

The life of a woman poking, prying.

A Husband, a Family, a Career, Self-satisfying...

Which is the most important of these?

If I can't do them all will I know true peace?

This need of achieving, will it ever cease?

I was sitting enjoying the fall weather here in Vegas.  October is the most beautiful month of the year here.  Temperatures in the 80's, things green up shortly before winter and there is a crisp cool bite in the air in the morning hours.  Perfect for a walk in the park or a bike ride.  It seems to happen instantaneously.  In a few days the weather changes from the searing heat of summer to the respit of fall and on to the wicked winter. 

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "The only constant is change."  If that is true why does it still come as a shock.  Like your best friend just SLAPS you in the face for no reason.  I'm sitting here wondering, "How did I get here?  How did time pass so quickly?"

I know I'm being cryptic and sounding very negative.  That's not my intention.  The things going on in my life are not bad or wrong.  They are just changes that need to be made.  Patti Griffin is singing out of my speakers about "swimming with snakes in the bottom of the well".  Just a guitar track and Patti cutting through the air.  It sets the mood so well with it's sound that I wonder if it's just a coincidence.  

Things change weather we want or not.  Time moves on so seemingly seperate from all of us. We have a choice, go peacefully or be pulled behind. 

Right now, I'm just trying to keep up...  

New Toys

Just when I think I thought I had everything I want in my studio list, digidesign comes out with the Eleven Rack guitar recording solution.  Anyone have an extra $1000?

My music career has been full of wants and needs over the last several years.  In the beginning, it was all about writing and performing but now I tend to focus more on writing and recording.  The internet seems to have taken over the music world.  Sometimes I find myself wondering, "Why bother? No one will ever find me in the sea of music on the internet,"  Yet, I have spent thousands of dollars on recording equipment.  At the rate I am going, it will take 20 years to make enough to come close to breaking even with the costs of all this stuff.  My toys...I love them and I enjoy them but I desperatly want to have a taste of success, or I want to not care any more. 

I am to the point where I don't feel an urgency to get to some imaginary point of success.  The unreachable dream of music world domination is more of a turn off than an unrequieted love.  I would really like to feel that I do a job that rewards both my pocket and my ego.   

Diversifying

I spend a lot of time wondering why I'm not as successful as I would like with music. The answer is easy to say but not easy to remedy. One of those "easier said than done" situations.
The answer is: Diversifying. As a singer/songwriter there are many possible paths to follow. Before I actually got into it I was of the mind that "how hard could it be, I write the music and I sing the music." Someone else will see how talented and great I am and do the rest. It's as simple as that. Isn't it? Boy! I had a rude awakening!!

The fact of the matter is...NO!!!

Here are the questions I ask myself now. Who is going to get people to come see me sing my music? How are they going to know where I'm doing a show? How will I get them to remember be, to come to another show? How will I make enough money to keep travelling for shows? When will I have time to write more music amidst all this other stuff?

The answer is complicated. I don't have money to pay for publicity, advertising, booking agent, recording engineer, producer, street team, etc...So who's going to do all of these various jobs?

ME!!!

The fact of the matter is that it is physically imposible for me to do all of these things at the same time. I don't have the time or the skills to do them all perfectly or completly. However, I have no choice but to do my best and it has to be good enough. So I write the music, practice and perform the music, I invested in studio equipment and went to school to learn to use it, I build my own websites and blogs, I keep my own emailing list, I book my own shows, I sell my own CDs and on and on and on.

Am I known all over the country? No. Do I sell a million copies of my CD? No. Do people flock to see my shows? I wish! But, I do all I can and try to forget the things I can't do. In the hopes that one day, MUSIC, will take care of me the way I have tried to take care of it.

Distractions!

There is always something that is diverting my attention away from music! You would think that I could just say "to HECK" with everything else but it isn't always that easy. The things that hinder my progress are always things that I want to do. Right now, I want to finish my Christmas project for my family, plan and execute a baby shower for a good friend, clean up my childhood home for a family get together and get back on track with running my household.

All of these things need my attention, so regrettably I will have to cut down my time spent on music to be able to get it all done. If I had been smart I would have eliminated some of these things because undoubtedly, they are all things I have committed to, thinking that I am wonder woman with super powers. That's one thing about me that is a plus and a minus. It never occurs to me that I can't do all of these things.

After all, isn't anything possible?

Stumped!

Have you ever worked on something that should be simple to complete yet somehow completion escapes you? Well, I am working on something exactly like that. I am arranging a song that I wrote about 5 years ago. I have played it so many times, that I will never get rid of it from my brain, but for some reason, now that I am arranging/recording it, I can not get it to fit into conventional music terms. I am obviously missing something. For the life of me, I can't figure it out. It has been 3 days in the studio trying to make sense of it.

I have completed 4 other songs during my quest to release a new album and none of them has given me as much trouble as this one.

I suppose I need this tough song to keep me humble. I was beginning to think I had this music stuff down! I should always remember that music is an ongoing process of learning. There will always be something new that stumps me. It's exciting yet still remarkably frustrating!

The dog park

I have two dogs. Buster is a 4 year old Boxer and Millie is a 6 month old miniature schnauzer. I have started taking Milli to the dog park when I go for my walk/run at the park. I know the names of 20 dogs and none of their owners. It seems to be the thing to introduce yourself through your dog. The protocol is: Bring dog through gate. Let sniffing commence. Then announce to the person next to you your dogs name and what they are like.

I'm not saying it's a dumb thing to do. I adore my dogs just as much as the other animal fanatics. In face, I find myself doing the same thing! I think that the dog park is not so much for our beloved canines, but for our socializing too. It's easier to talk to people you don't know when there is some kind of buffer to distance yourself from rejection. "It's not that they didn't like me, they just didn't like my dog," for example.

We all have a fear of rejection. A fear that for some reason or another, we won't be good enough for someone else. The challenge is not to "not care what people think". That's like accepting that you are not good enough and you just don't care that you aren't. The challenge is however, to accept that you won't be liked by everyone. You may not be so-and-so's cup of tea. It is not by any fault of your own (unless you purposely try to be abrasive) but it is other's individual likes and dislikes that clash with your own.

Stick with those that "get you" and let the rest go their own way. With a polite smile, of course.