Bitter Sweet Completion

I set out to create an album of lullabies not only for my unborn first child but to prove to myself that this next step in my life will not rob me of a very important part of myself.  After a little over 3 months of creation and relentless work, it is COMPLETE.  It is a collection of 12 original and classic lullabies.

It has only been heard by 3 people thus far.  Myself, my husband and the mastering engineer.  Whether it will be well received has yet to be seen.  This weekend will be the first time it will be showcased to an audience.  I will be giving out copies to all my friends who are coming to celebrate my unborn child at a baby shower.  However, it will not be available for sale until later this fall when the permanent packaging is complete with a portrait of my son.

I am thrilled to have completed this album, especially since I have taken it on at a time when my life is truly in transition.  I have proved to myself that I can continue on my musical journey in the midst of so much turmoil and change.

However, there is a part of me that will miss the life I've lived thus far.  I know it must change as lives always do.  I'll miss the freedom to stay in my studio hour after hour writing and recording, the times of just my husband and I on the couch, my times of solo contemplation, etc.  There will be many new wondrous and challenging experiences to be had in the coming weeks, months and years.   I find it a struggle to accept that I will not be the same as I was before.  Not to myself and not to others.  I know it's silly but it seems a little like the end of an era.  

What will be different?  I don't even know what to mourn and what to embrace.  I guess I'm just a little afraid of the unknown.  I know the things that are truly important will remain and the trivial things will pass away.  That's what this project proved to me. 

Transitions will come and go and life will go on.  It always does...

Redirected and Recommited!

My last blog was a frustrated piece of reading material.  I had created my own drama by not taking action towards a well defined goal.  I was completely engulfed in self-loathing and self-pity.  I will admit I have a very good excuse for having less energy and time to spend on my personal music goals, however, an excuse is an excuse if it keeps you from making ANY progress what-so-ever.

As of March 31st, the date of my last entry, I have created a well defined project and worked towards it in a consistent manner.   

The month of April was spent contemplating my project and writing/organizing the material to be included in it (as well as taking a well deserved Baby Moon to Kauai with my wonderful husband).  It was a relief to immerse myself in the creative process of writing and it helped me to become excited of the prospect of completion.  Completion being the thing that often eludes me during my musical endeavors. 

As of May 10th I am now heavily engulfed in the recording process.  I have also written a very precise timeline for the project completion and am doing my best to stick to it.  I have managed to reach a point that is almost non-existent while I am recording. I actually am enjoying myself immensely! 

That being said, I am also very aware of my limitations and recognize the need for some flexibility.  My hope is to be satisfied with what I can do and forgiving of myself when I don't meet all of my many expectations.  

How have I come to this possibly temporary euphoria with the musical creation process? 

I have embraced an idea that almost never enters my head when working on a project.  It may be shocking...It may be scary in a sense.  But here goes:

SIMPLICITY!

In all aspects of this project.  From lyrics and guitar to mastering and CD duplication I am insisting on clinging to the priceless saying, "KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID!"

Tirelessly Tired...

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to feel tired like this during pregnancy.  I don't sleep all the time and I tend to be somewhat productive but not by doing the things that I really want to do.  It seems like the entire month of March was one of rushing from one place to another and hurrying through endless projects that had nothing to do with my goals as a musician.  April seems to be building itself the same way.

UGG!!!

 I promised myself that my music would not "fall by the wayside" just because I enter the realm of motherhood.  I know that my direction and focus will have to change but my obligation to myself must not. There hasn't been one second this week that I have even picked up my guitar let alone write, record or even practice. I have invested far too much money, time, effort and love into building whatever it is I have here to just treat it as a hobby. 

Do I sound frustrated and bitter?  I AM...

I'm not angry with anyone but myself!  Continually, I keep obligating my time to others and what they need/want above my own out of guilt and shame.  This line of thinking is so backwards and counterproductive that I am confused as to how I keep letting it happen. 

I have begun the process of restructuring my goals and directions through thought and planning, however, I am neglecting the most important part of succeeding. PLAIN OLD HARD WORK!

There is no way to reach any level of success but by spending quality time doing what is necessary.  No amount of planning and dreaming can replace the actual act of  "DOING"  In my line of work, there is no one else who can do it.  I am the creator of my own products.  It MUST come from me. There is no middle man to put the pressure on, no machine to do it for me and certainly there are no little elves to do it while I sleep. 

Spending my time WORKING on my craft is my goal at this point.  I can do none of what I am planning without a product, so that is what I must do. 

I MUST CREATE!!!

Yet Another Change in Direction!

I find myself in a situation that part of me doubted would ever happen but which I was planning for in the near future.  It seems that I have contemplated and studied this very thing for years but never had a realistic idea of how big a change it could be.  How do you plan for something so unplannable?  How do you prepare for something so unknown?

I am having a baby!  It is growing inside me as I type!

I say it and it still has an unreal science fiction type of reaction on my brain.  I will be 16 weeks(4 months) in the gestation of my alien parasite on Wednesday.  How do you wrap your mind around a 5 inch moving human fetus growing on it's own in an organ that I rarely gave any thought to other than the fact that it was a huge inconvenience one week out of every month?

The sickness, exaustion, worry and science have become a 24 hour a day quandry.  To even feed my own body has become a career in and of itself.   Much to my dismay, music has been forced to the background even non-existant at times.  It's a battle that is ongoing in my mind. 

How do I balance myself and the life of a child?  I have many ideas and much desire to continue moving forward.  I have no doubt that I will pursue all that I have worked toward previously but I also know it will not be the same.  The pessimist inside me sees this as a terrible thing, however, I know myself and that said, I know that I will re-evaluate and redirect my attentions and efforts in a productive manner.  Even if I don't know what will come of it...